Caught in a Web of Lies

Caught in a Web of Lies

Monday July 12, 2010

There are many things that people whose loved ones or relatives have an addiction worry about. But one of the most painful aspects of living with this situation is being lied to again and again.

Lying is not a symptom of addiction, nor do all people with addictions lie compulsively. Yet the situation of an addict lying to their family member, most commonly one on whom they are financially or emotionally dependent, happens so frequently that many people think it is part of addiction.

While the reasons for lying are obvious to outsiders — that the addict wants to continue to take advantage of the relationship without taking responsibility for changing their own behavior — the person being lied to is often slow to acknowledge the reality of the situation. This is very frustrating for people who want to support the family member, who are confused by the way they will continue to trust the addict, despite having been let down time and time again. 

This pattern of enabling is illustrated in the Lois Wilson story. Lois continued to support her husband Bill, one of the co-founders of AA, despite numerous broken promises to change his drinking and his behavior.

Of course, people with addictions lie for other reasons — to protect others from the painful reality of their addiction, to avoid being judged, and often, to avoid the complications of the fact that many addictive drugs are illegal. This can raise difficult questions and put a family member in a position where they feel they have to choose between their loved one and the law. Sometimes the addict is simply trying to protect their loved one from this predicament

One of the important processes that someone with an addiction goes through on the road to recovery is discovering the liberation that comes with a more honest way of life. This can come in small steps — perhaps being more honest with peers first, then one trusted friend, relative or therapist, then gradually holding back on the lies and allowing more of the truth to come through.

Sound tempting? Here are some tips to get you started on controlling the urge to lie.